Brackleton is a town of 2,000 with an energetic newspaper, titled the Brackleton Herald. Each week it publishes a page with jobs wanted, notices, public complaints, invitations or anything in general that anybody in Brackleton wants to say about pretty well anything.
July 9, 1972
Found a mangy specimen lurking outside the garden shed yesterday morning. Looks like it was once a tabby. Jerry thinks it’s Maureen’s, but I said that no cat belonging to Maureen Kingsley could look so woebegone. If you own this animal, kindly call 822-776-0420 and retrieve your property.
– Kari and Jerry Fisher
Receptionist wanted at Sandler’s & Co. Barristers. Educated girl between 25 and 35 with nice manners and style. Preferably with not too many opinions and the ability to keep her mouth shut.
– Norman Sandler, barrister
REGARDING THE FUTURE OF OUR CHILDREN
I speak on behalf of many by bringing forth the sad state of the young people in this town. Yet again, I found smashed beer bottles in front of St. Stephen’s Church, and only last week, some half a dozen hooligans where seen crowded into what appeared to be a stolen rickshaw; they were being pulled by several more troublemakers down the main street, hooting and hollering all the way. It is a disgrace, and something must be done! I am very much afraid that these rascals are going nowhere – fast.
– Rosemary Wilks, president of the Brackleton Women’s Institute
Please be warned that Death Camas are growing rampant in the ditches and fields in the area. This vicious weed looks innocent enough, with white flowers and a long stem. However, even the smallest ingestion can cause organ failure and blood disruption – leading to rapid death. Do not attempt to cut down this plant unless you are wearing full protective gear, including goggles.
To whoever painted All Saints Bridge bright yellow in the dead of night, I admire your determination. True, obtaining a permit first might have been advisable, but the deed is done, and it looks stunning. If you reveal your identity, you will receive a badge of honour, not a reprimand.
– Richard Mable, Mayor
ATTN: BRIAN CLATTERBY
We are sorry to resort to this, but since you have ignored multiple requests to turn down your darn radio, we are making a public complaint. This is your last warning: we demand that you respect the peace, (not to mention the music tastes) of your neighbours. Otherwise, we shall be forced to involve the police.
– The irate residents of Harley St.
STOLEN FLOWER BOXES
I am grieved to inform you that three store-front flowers boxes have been stolen this week. It is disconcerting that anyone in this town would stoop as low as to steal these touches of beauty. Where at all possible, please secure your flower boxes. Furthermore, be on the lookout for any suspicious activity. Police say the felon is still on the run.
– Concerned citizen
Please note that garden maintenance is the responsibility of each landowner, and should not be neglected for any reason. To those with overgrown hedges and weeds beyond common comprehension – know that the reputation of Brackleton rests in your hands.
– The yard police
To the owner of the blue Ford pickup, license plate KAJZ 564, how many times must you get your truck towed before it enters your thick skull that you are parking in a private zone? You are obstructing my business and all in all being a total nuisance.
– Terrance Slater, chiropractor
COMMUNITY LAWN MOWER
Can anyone tell me where the community lawnmower is stored? Vicky says it’s in Jim’s barn, but I haven’t been able to get a hold of him. Please call 822-396-7200 if you have any info, etc. I should hate to think that such a valuable and potentially dangerous piece of equipment should have gone AWOL. Please reassure me.
– Douglas Gallagher