July 16, 1972
LOST CAT FOUND
Maureen, don’t expect me to defend your treatment of animals ever again! I am utterly astounded that the creature should belong to you, and outraged that you should have added yet another subject to the long list of incidents my husband will never forget.
– Kari Fisher
WANTED AD: UPDATE
Receptionist position at Sandler’s & Co. Barristers has been filled. Candidate met all requirements, being a Harvard graduate, 26 years old, with Audrey Hepburn style and manners. Moreover, she speaks in monosyllables – something other applicants would have done well to imitate.
– Norman Sandler, barrister
REGARDING THE FUTURE OF OUR CHILDREN, RESPONSE
Several good citizens have raised concerns about the dubious pastimes of our youth. I would like to remind us all that, while these activities may not be entirely wholesome, they are far more innocent than the tamest street gang in Detroit. These children may be “going nowhere,” but they are doing so at the pace of a rickshaw, and there’s plenty of time to stop them.
– Alicia Silverstein, editor of the Brackleton Herald
RE ATTN: BRIAN CLATTERBY
We want to thank you for heeding to public threats, and at last turning down your darn radio. We would like to flatter ourselves that it was your delicate consideration for our nerves, not the mention of police that finally infiltrated your woolly brain.
– The somewhat-appeased residents of Harley St.
We would like to thank the respective landowners (you know who you are) who stepped to the plate and did their due diligence. We all appreciate your efforts to uphold the beauty of this town.
– The yard police
ILLEGAL PARKING UPDATE
To the owner of the blue Ford pickup, license plate KAJZ 564, no doubt you would like to know where your vehicle is. It has not been towed, as I am sure you are aware. I have hired an expert team of thugs (you never know what peaceful farmers do in their spare time) to remove your truck to a deserted location until we have deemed that you have learned your lesson. Kindly sit tight, and keep in mind that a sincere apology at any time will be happily accepted.
– Terrance Slater, chiropractor